Friday, August 31, 2001

I want to be able to sing.
So hmm yes... my life.. i went to bed at 6am last night woke up for no reason at 8am after having realy screwed up dreams about half robot half humans, some how intertwined with the apocolypse.. (it was alot more interesting in my head when i could remember it trust me)

im trying im trying, i wish people would notice...
i dont think ann likes me very much, wich hurts in its own special way, maybe its me, i seem to get upset about the littlest things involving her, ever time she doesnt call or if she doesnt say hi or talk to me, i think i just expect to much i want the time when i was important to her but that time seems to have passed and no matter what i do i cant bring it back.
my emotions seem to move like cold molasses i never seem to get over somthing or let things go. an they just pile up until i get realy drepressed...
when lonelyness attacks part 17
or somthing like that
i seems to me that ever since i discoverd girls were the opposite sex ive been lonely, there have been times yes that i have infact felt happy and loved but they are to few and to far between... i wish i wasnt male.. i dont think id want to be female either tough, asexuall.. thats the way to go... unfortunatly im stuck where i am
meghann moving to ann arbor saturday :)
course thats another sob story in itself... find this realy realy cool girl that i fall for right away... tell her.. she tells kam that she only want somone to fool around with...
and now she has a boyfriend...
i dont wanna be a toy anymore, its happened to many times..

Yah so as to that last post... uhhhh i hadnt slept in too days and i was reminded of somthing realy emotion for me... yah

Sunday, August 26, 2001

So.. yah anne sent me her journal, i read it from end to start... and got depressed..
its just that.. well cause i... yah
anyone who acually reads this and knows me will think this is strange because i have never kept a journal so possibly this will be my first.. or maybe ill forget about it.. hard to tell...

so today i woke up late went to 2 different pharmicies to get my precription filled... cant live without uppers right? ehhe eh yeah

then i picked anne up, and then greg... and then we all went to CCS (my college) so i could try to stay in school...
yah i have to call in like 4 hour to see if they will give me money so i can go.. but the most likely wont... sigh ima failure at the young age of 20...

then we came back at like 5pm and i went to work.... yah then went to DQ and stood there.. everyone left and we stood there...
then me greg and b went to gregs house and watched invader zim and played a video game till b an i went home..

hopfully we can find a rave for tomorow buuut if not i guess we goto motor

do you ever wonder who realy gives a fuck about you?

sometimes i feel like an idiot, i like people, i like making people happy... i listen to everyone and comfort everyone. hehe to bad i dont have someone to cry upon. well i mean there ben but we have sadly grown apart, greg.. but he has enough to worrie about i dont want to burden him.. i have trouble reading brandons mind.. wich is hard for me to deal with, it means he is as smart as i am.
i sound concieted, sigh,

red blood on a blue vein

hehe i want to leave, now, evey godamn time i go past the godamn highway... hehe i hope im not crazy, i cant remember the last time somone huged me.. like a real hug.. like kam your feeling down or i am glad you exsist kam here have a FUCKING HUG! hehe Hmm I'm crying what a wonderfull first journal entry.. hehe im going to break again soon i can feel it... the cracks in my head where the tears seep slowly out :) i dislike myself and i think im a bad person. I want to scream untill my throat hurts. its funny because i dont want to be alone, but ive got such a good shield that noone ever ever see all the way in, oh some have seen some... but not all? heh if anyone wanted to know i would tell them, but i dont think anyone is willinging to listen to me. shity... i love my friends i realy do, i would give my life for anyone. every once in awhile i need help...
heh help? help me? please...

...FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I HAVE NO FIRE I NEED FIRE I AM FUCKING DEAD INSIDE FUCK I FEEL IT AND IT HURTS IT BURNS LIKE ICE GNAWING AT ME FROM THE FUCKING INSIDE..

no matter what shape i try to fit into me i either run away or they do...

they do most of the time.. am i that scary? that unapealing? somtimes i wish i could die.. but what point would that serve? i dont want to be a waste i just want to help people.

but im tired, i am realy tired. and i am so lonely

i thought my tears would be long dried up by now but they arents they always come...

i can understand almost everyone without fail, i know why they do what they do i can tell what there thinking what they are going to say but i cant for the life of me figure out what is going on in my own damn head..

maybe i am crazy.. or just alone..

i think i feel again...

this seems like a bad idea to me...

hehehe me to be not be there..

ahhh life is such bliss...

and the question always sit in the back of my head... dos she return what i feel? what do i feel? what the FUCK IS GOING ON??? FUCK FUCK FUCK ME
HAHAHA its funny cause why would somone realy want to fuck themselfs over by realy talking to me??? i am realy depressing... why grow up if you dont have to? dont know me your better off..
enjoy life.. just dont think about it and youl be alright, cause if you doooo.... ahahaha your fucked!

help me somone i realy want to die.. i cant stop crying someone cheer me up? talk to me?...

hehe well its almost 6:30am now...

maybe ill see tomorow? maybe ill cry again too.. i feel like a moth. trying so hard to achive my one briliant spark of fiery death, do i want to be burned again? how will my heart fit back together this time?

why do i do this to myself?

help me somone please?

time for bed :)
tomorow is going to be a bright and sunny day! :)

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